In the Head of Mel

I'm so glad no one goes on this anymore.

Ugh saint patricks day... Rediculas.

it was fun.

So, I want to go back in time three years! yess..

I'm stupid

I like a guy who well,doesn't date.

I dont think. I mean ive gotten close with him but i have a feeling i am about to chase him away.

i want him so bad and i dont know why. I just wanna go back to who i used to like

I never saw him, we didnt talk, it was perfect, nothing could go wrong.

but now, i do get to hang out with the guy, and all. but i am me, and am not alloud to have the person i want, soyeah.

I dont know what i do wrong or why im so unapealing.

Just once can i have a relation ship, one that lasts and stuff

Not one where im a crazy lunitic, or one where i am caught up in some one else.

I want him and noone could come around and change that.

i think that would make everything awesome.

I'm trying to contain my mel moments were i freak out about stupid things.

im deffanatly gettin g better.

Ughh

Bethany, i know your out there, please, PLEASE help me, I'm the only one who you gave me permission, so can you help me sucseed wit hthis.

I really want him. its horrable.

RIP bethany, its now been a month.

ugh. why did you have to go.
=/ help. i wish i could have helped you.

What the fuck

high schoo drama is nikkie talking about


what the fuck did we do to him

he is the fucking one who started it

we didnt do shit

it pisses me off so muchhh

omgggggggg


WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DOO!!!

=[


and i want ryan donowho

but he is famous and that wont work =[

Yeah. So saturday

Probably was one of the best days i have had in soo long

I broke up with phil

Finally i just didnt like him

and Nikkie came to a party.

Well nikkie and i ended up messing around

Well sammo and i didnt evan talk to him after

he said he had fun and all this shit

and suddenly starts bitching at her about

how we have all these problems....

WE DIDNT EVAN TALK ABOUT problems

he said we were just trying to be his friend

WHen were we trying

I already thought we were friends

I thought he acctaully want to come and hang out with us

I dotn know what the fuck happend

but he flipped out on us..

All cuz he deleted us

FOR NO FUCKING REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Omg.. I dont fucking get it


sammo and i decided to go through our comments

and i found one from nikkie

"i love you so much baby
and as much as we fight it will never be changed
im sorry i could do stuff
and im sorry i can be an asshole
but in the end always remember that i love you and it will never change...
<3333 Nikkie

p.s. I LOVE YOU!!!
see you tommorow...well technically today "


WHat the fuck happend to that nikkie....

Why is he gone now..


I miss that nikkie so much
and i know i was wrong to him


but what did i do now.


and what did sammo do.

I dont fucking get it......

IM TIRED OF THIS NOT LIKING PEOPLE BULLSHIT!

I miss jono but hate him at the same time!


I DONT like my boyfriend....


i feel so bad but i really dont


I dont wanna relationship
and im not gonna be able to find one
that was like jono and i at first before i did the stupidest thing in the workd


and im never gonna get as close to someone as i did with nikkie


Like that right there is still attached to me.

i feel so bad about how i acted

and now im acting polar oppisite to my boyfriend

i honestly think what me and jono had when we first started dating would have been close

but nothing as close to nikkie and i


i dont miss him anymore

i mean he is a comleatly diffrent person

but i miss what it was

I dont wanna be with phil

but i feel like i have to
i would feel so bad if i broke up with him

and more people would hate me!


Omg i just want the old days backkk


=[[[[[

Jono and I....
Just can't take the shit.
He hurts me.

And now I don't even feel good when he isn't.
Its really all the same.

I'm cutting everything off
I did it once before

but this time for real.

I really don't think we could ever be again.

He never really cared about me.

I know that now.

I know who really did.

I mean that's nothing special
because that's done and over with too.
But it's nice to know I do have one person
that was sincere.

I ruined it like normal.

I need to fix that.

God! Why is life so complicated.

OMG, tommorrow KMFA DAYYYY!!!!!!

Lol.

I'm just gonna live life I guess
let whatever comes come....

Try to be happy.

"You only got a hundred years to live."

FUcking jono. WHAt the fuck is up with him

I tell him EVERYTHING IS DONE. and he gets FUCKING DEFFENCIVE.
Oh so im nice i give him the choice all or fucking nothing.

he chose ALL

And then he was like oh lets do it

and now he is fucking yelling at me

saying i dont wannafuck you.

Um, he is the one who said it anymore..

What the hell is going on

i dont want h im around
but i do
i cant make up my mind
one side of me is so inlove
the other side hates his fucking guts.

I dont know what to do anymore
i cant get away
and i cant keephim happy

I dont know HOW men put up with girls
cuz thats us constently

I really do not know

FUCK HIM
FUCK MEN
FUCK EVERYTHING
im tired of this karma bullshit

its not like anything good is really happening.

sidh.

I dont care if he only last six min.
Its just time to be with him.

God i miss the old him
someone please sweep me off my feet
or bring him back tothe old him

but nothing ever goes back tothe same
....

god i need atime machine.
iwould go back to saint patrics day last year.
nothing would bethe same.

I sit here and cry and cry on this thing
it doesnt do much good
but i guess its nice getting everything off my back

jono i s a dick

screwedwith me again
who knows how many times that is

im almost n umb to it luckly.

i hope in the futuer things do work out

but i cant predict that
hm
i wanna get my fortune told. or my tarrot cards read
but yeah im scared
i wanna reallly good person do to it.

but who knows who that could be

i really want to rant about jono.
but im in a weirdposistion so typings not that fun

hopefully like tommrow or something idk.

im hopeless =[

I have the weirdest urdge.

its prolly not a good idea.

I want a baby. REALLY REALLY BAD...

I want something to be attatched to and that wont leave my side.
something to love and hold for a long long time...

Apparently i cant a have a person.
So why not a baby?

All i want to do is get pregnate.

When i show signs run. Run far far away where noone can find me.
Ill Be graduated by then. so atleast ill have a high school deploma.
maybe save up money so i can find some where to stay.

its bad that i think this way. but i ust want me and a baby.
and one day maybe ffind someone who i will marry and really love.

I could get of all birth control.

maybe jono could fall for it.

and then RUN....


Im sure its a bad idea.

but to me its well worth it.

Okay...
basically.
everything and anything you want to know
is in this one, because its most reacent right now

^^^
that will change when i post again soo.whtever

I'm gonna make it a plan to post way mor often

so you get all details and how things change...

ignore the fact im like talking to my self...

....


Okay... I AM IN LOVE
and im stuck with that feeling
it may not be very murtal
but i cant get over it....

people tell me
how jono is a fucking jackass...
and how he has done this and that...

guess what....

I;m not listening.
people who say things like that
are the reason i freaked out
and was so stressed and blablabla

other things too im not blaming
justthem
but really if i knew nothing about
how he has been in the past
things would have bend alot mor smother.

i would litterally do ANYTHING
for that boy
and guess what...

i cant tell him anyway i feel...

at all im to scared.
to say anything about how i feel

i can tell on this.
because who the fuck is gonna read it?!


...

I love him so much

I want my fucking HEART back from him.

I cry, all the time because i miss him SO much.

I would do anything for him

Everydream i have consists of him some how in it.

I just want to feel his arms around me.

THIS ISNT AN OBBSESSION!!!!!!!!!

yes it seems like it
but hey
its a little thing CALLED LOVE.

i could think of millions more things
thoughts how i feel
everything
but i t hink i already kinda

i mean the stuff i said up there
is things im sure alot of people know


i have other things.

lots, but there so complacated im not gonna begin to try and explain it..



Anyways moving on.
I have so much i want to say.
but im so tired, and prolly wont finish for a few days.
but this works for now.
maybe ill have more to add about jono.

but if he ever read this i think he would
be creeped out enough....

why the hell do i cry so much over jono
i really just want to hang out with him
and im pmsing
im not a loud to cuz his mom sucks
omgg
monday he didnt ride with me
he did today.
but he prolly wont tommorrow
he doesnt understand how upset i get when he doesnt
i dont know why i do
i just wanna spend time with him cuz i dont get to...
i know its pathentic that i cry over it
its just this freakin sucks.

he doesnt text me anymore either
and when i text him he like never texts me back.
everyone tells me not to worry but i hate how we have changed over the month...
im never gonna have a sucsessfull relationship.

ughh i wanna stay with jono so bad he clames that he wants to be with me, and he will never hurt me or anything. but really im in high school i cant believe him.. he promisis this stuff. to bad ive learnt that nomatter what they say all it is is words. i belive him but i cant compleatly... Words are words.. i wish he belived in promis rings i want one.. but he doesnt believe in them
thats parsally why i dont believe him compleatly he has nothing on the line toback up..
i love him so much
and ill do anything for him
but really idk what i would do if i lost him
expecially with all the shit going on with my parents
my dad wanting to kill him self.
my mom threatingg to leave
me working two jobs AND still going to school full time

im doing so much and im so stressed its driving me crazy..
omggg
i really hope it doesnt end.
idk what i would doo..
=[
and i need to start saving money
whoohoo
im not gonna have any starting after christmas

... wow i cant believe me and jono are back together
but should we have
now im having second thoughts
i know it will hurt SO bad when we break up
and i dont know how
and when
or if he is telling me the truth about loving me
im really scared
i spent the past 8 monnths trying
and now i have second thoughts

Eee!
Jono and i got back to gether on the 11th!
hehehe
we good
i took his virginity

hunter cole nick, and nate got busted for smoking at school

retards!



yeah jono has been all tired to day
and its annoying cuz he needs to wake up
but i was talking to him and just let him go back to sleep
evan tho it pissed me off that he sleeping all the time

uggh
im going crazy but im just not getting mad at him.
cuz its apointless fight and i gotta learn that

aksldhfasjdfh GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr

but it pisses me off
i just cant be maddd

no wounder nikkie dumped my ass.
jono and i arn't gonna last if i do that again

oh dear.=[[[

i feel like i have no heart tho

i love him
alot
but its way diffrent
cuz idk....
I really do like him tho!

i love him to death i never wanna loose him
so i have to try to avoid thattt.

he doesnt like me
how does this happen
he loves me
but isnt inlove with me

god i feel like there isnt much worse

i hate everything
i want to die

i cant

but if i was everything would be so much better..............






i wish i could erase one day from my life

god i hate everything

suddenly jono doesnt like me!
he took me off his top friends
and never says i love you
he calls me to persistant

I FUCKING LIKE HIM
i thought he liked me too
apperently not anymore

what the fuck!!
i get what i fucking did!

i cant take it back
I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKK!!!

ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

I thought what he was saying was true

although i thought that about nikkie.

apperently nott

FINE! he thinks that im not gonna go away

OH I FUCKING WILL ILL DISSA-FUCKIN-PEAR!!!
Maybethat will make him fucking happy!

im seriously the only person(outta my friends) who doesnthave anyone

Sammo- has Ryne
Nikki- Has Josh
Chelsea- pretty much has isaac
bethany- has Ryan
Andrew- mary

I GIVE UPPP!!

WHat is wrong with me.. What is wrong with every one.. why can something go right.. i mean chelsea is having problems i wish i could fix hers.... i mean i think she deserves anything more then i do. but cant s omething go right. i mean seriously i wanna be happy again but i cant find anyone. people ive found. A. hate me and B. have a girl friend. its not faire i wanna go back in time SO fucking bad
and everone ois being so mean

jono= fuckinbg shouvle face.
Stephan= Screwed with chelsea and im gonna kill him
Nikkie= i do nicethings to him and he turns aroundand bes a fucking jackass
he neverused to belike t hat.. what happend to him...=[
nick= i dont like him but he is a usless peiceof shit
justin= has a girlfriend.. and cant see me right nowcuz he is in trouble
andrew aka beaker andstick= i pissed him off cuz i have a fucking jelously problem

AGHH!ihatemy liferight now
only xuz im pmsing
and this is how i get..
god i hate being a DAMn GIRL!!!!!
UGHH! and guys think they have it hard

i belive women are way stronger then guys honestly!!!

FUCK ALL YOU!
but chelsea
shes awsome
andjustin
even tho he messed with me.

oh yeah we helped this guy wanna know what we get in return

ALMOST GETTING PLOUD bye some fagget going 60 when we are parked on the side of the road..

fuck this shit
aksdhfa;sd

Ugh
I try to be nice.
i still wanna tell him mhow i feel
tobad it doesnt matter
his friends managed to impact his life

and you wanna know why i cant get the fuck over him
from times he said these things to me

oh and they a straight off old myspace messages too


"babe i would rather quite drinking
and smoking to make you feel happy"

"yes, but im not one for
lieing to people i care about"

"i love you truely with all my heart"

"im in love with you
i dont say things and not mean it
you can ask chad about that one"

wanna know whats sad

he told me he felt like he had to say it....

pretty upsetting
why the hell his he so great to me!
=[[[
when he hates me

can anything go right for me.
i mean. come on
whhhy do i have to be hated
bye so many people
and i didnt even do anything

i mean
i seriously miss my ex SO much
and if i was to say ANYHTING
i get laughed at.
he acts like i dont know what he thinks about me.

HA i do
it shows
but it doesnt matter to me

i would do anything to get him back

but i fucked my self over way to much now....

i could only slightly list what all i did.

omg. how i wish i could fix it

FUCK LOVE
fuck everything

and today is one year
great....







UGH!!!!
i hate feel like im talking to my self too.
=///

dfaskjdf
save me please

I seriously DO NOT know why i get so attatched
grr.

YEAR LATER!
omg guess who still is the one i like
...
yeah
it sucks. Like now cuz i remeber EVERYTHING
that happend the next 21/2 mothes last year
and it hurts

to know you can try and try to try to get a slight friend ship
when it doesnt help evan a hair...
i dont know what it is about him
i mean
evan people who are his friends dont know why
but i still fucking try....

i truly care about him
no matter how much he rejects me
or hates me
.. i dont care
i still care...

its stupid.
but. true.

.....can bearly fake being happy anymore...

i just cant give up.....

everyone has said to
but i cant..

yeah
uh. heres a shitty poem.

As i lay here in my bed
Looking up and the dark-dark ceiling
Thinking of all the great memories
Noticing they all revolve around you
The times when everyhing was perfect
But now, everyhings has drifted away
Every happy moment is gone
I guess its time to let go of the past
Its just the memories wont go away
I guess all i have left of you
Are deep in the nights when im sound asleep
Nothing will ever be the same again
Oh, how i miss you.

im such a pethatic bitch
maybe leaving this horrable place
would be the best
for everyone.

Why am i not over him
oh I DONT KNOW
he does alot of drugs well i think just weed
Drinks constently
and is a Asshole!

and i still like him

asdfadf
grr yeah i dont know

maybe cuz i loved him
hmm
and maybe if read this he would thn know that
but it wont matter why i cant get over him
cuz they all will STILL make fun of me

AMAZING!!!
adfh
nothing goes right does it


and cali sucks!

and i wanna go home!
and...drink
...... ok drinkings not that bad
....
that i dont care about

neither are a LITTLE bit of drugs

LITTLE
...
but when its alot
no ew
whywhywhywhy
i hate this1